I have to tell you that the phase I’m in right now is a second round of very deep grief. A grief that is so deep in who I am it is as if a part of me is in the process of dying, a part that is needed to keep me alive. Confusing huh? Well I’m confused to, but God is carrying me through and our relationship is stronger than it has ever been. God amazes me how much He loves me. I can get mad at Him one minute and then can be so thankful the next, yet all He does is assures me that He will never leave me alone to go through this difficult road.
Back to the little bottle I broke. As I picked the bottle up in my hands I realized it was exactly what the Father was doing with me. In His mighty hands He holds all the broken pieces of which I am and is putting back the pieces little by little. I also realized that as long as I stay in the palms of His hands I never have to worry about losing any of my pieces of identity of why I was made and for what purpose.
I hope that you will find comfort knowing that the Father is madly in love with you and gave His most prized possession, His only Son for you. That night as I walked in that cold dark house after leaving my Brianna’s body, I told the Father- I can’t do this, I can remember His reply like it just happened, He said- You won’t do it alone, we will do it together since I know what it is to lose an only child.
So as I continue this painful journey I am so thankful for the Father’s tenderness and patience He has for me. I’m praying that by sharing the pain that I’m going through you will be able to reach out to someone and reach in their pain today. Remember Psalm 56:8,9 “You number my wanderings; Put my tears into Your bottle; Are they not in Your book? When I cry out to You, then my enemies will turn back; This I know, because God is for me.” “And every act of sacrifice, every suffering and sorrow endured for Christ’s sake, is recorded.”
Until next time may God be your Guide.
This blog has been a hard one to write, especially since it has been so long since my last one. I have so many feelings to share and really didn’t know where to start. But the Lord has a way of teaching us through his Spirit, which amazes me.
A few weeks ago I dropped a glass bottle on the bathroom floor and as it hit the tile and broke, I witnessed the liquid run out all over the floor. Call me crazy but I began to cry and realized that I felt like that bottle. I felt broken and not just into two pieces, but many little pieces. Just like that little bottle the purpose it served was gone. I too had a specific purpose in this life, but that has been emptied from me too.
The ending of last year into this new year has been extremely difficult for us and we didn’t understand why it seemed as though the tragedy of losing Brianna just occurred. Daily for me it is a struggle and truly I believe the hole that Brianna has made in my heart from her absence will always be there until Resurrection Morning. Rod and I realized that since we put so much time into starting the foundation, counseling others, the big event and many interviews, we hadn’t fully embraced the grieving process. One might say how could you help others if you aren’t in a healed state? Well, we are all broken people on a journey, so by entering into another’s pain it helps the healing process within me.