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I’ve been thinking about how in life I have always wanted something more. When I was growing
up I wanted a “normal” family, (you might think no family is normal) yet there are those that are
more stable than others, I wanted something more. When I got married and things were so hard
financially, I wanted an easier life, I wanted something more. Then when Rod and I had Brianna
we wanted a stable upbringing for her, yes we wanted something more. As parents we wanted her
to stay close to Jesus and He would lead her to the purpose He had for her in this life, we wanted
I haven’t written for a few months because things have been extremely emotional for me. It seems
wherever I go, whatever I do, Brianna comes to mind and at times it can be paralyzing. We have
had those who have walked this journey of grief before us and say that after the sixth and seventh
month things get worst in this journey. Truthfully, I thought how can get worst, well it has and
I want something more. I want the pain to stop!
In the month of July one of Brianna’s graduating classmates died; in September her dog died suddenly, then two weeks later the head of the ministry Rod works for died suddenly and now in October a second classmate died. When so much hurt comes into your life you really want something more. You want out! Many times sleep seems to be an escape from reality, yet upon waking up the whole nightmare comes rushing back and it seems so surreal.
During this most difficult time we received a letter from some close friends in September nine months to the date when Brianna died. I know God impressed our friend to send that letter when he did and it arrived right when we needed it. Rod and I sat in the car with tears in our eyes as we read this heart felt letter written to us. The whole letter was so touching, but there was one part for me that just struck a chord in my heart that went deep and I will never forget what he said. “Mary, I am thankful to have received from you, when we visited, the words you said you spoke to assure Brianna. You shared that she was feeling bad about your responsibility to care for her. Your encouragement was that you loved to be her mother. We took that away and that in itself became subject of much meditation. I for one had never thought so before. I could not and would not ever deny the love I have for my children. But, the question of whether or not we love to be our children’s parents never occurred. What a blessing! Thank you.” Along with the letter was a beautiful bookmark with Brianna’s and my favorite Bible verse, Jeremiah 29:11.
When Brianna helped me with the primary class at church she would spend a lot of time with this family’s children. Brianna just loved them and her time at church was one that she saw as a highlight. When this family found out about Brianna they traveled from Washington immediately and were with us the day after the tragedy. His wife was so consoling as a mother and I’m glad she was there, along with two of their girls. We will never forget that day they spent with us and the love they shared. I want something more, I want Jesus to come and take us home so we will all be reunited with those we have lost and that we will never part again. There will still be some sadness at that grand reunion day when those that we love are not there—since they chose not to accept the invitation by the Father.
Then as we were traveling to a funeral in Southern California we received an email three days prior to it being ten months of losing Brianna. Rod and I taught a youth class twenty years ago and we still have some connection with a few of the class (I’ve attached below, the whole letter for you to read). But the part that touched me was “Hopefully they too [songs she suggested that we listen to] will bring the strength during a time that you need a little push. And if not just give me a call girl and I will push you.” I never thought the youth we helped, (which seems like so very long ago) would now be helping to encourage us. This was a hard funeral for us to attend, so again receiving this letter when we did was such a blessing. When I responded to her email she told me she was just thinking about us and the words just flowed. It was a ‘God thing’.
We will be embarking on our eleventh month and it will be a VERY difficult time for us, with the holidays surrounding us and the one year mark approaching. Please pray for us!! We also will be traveling to TN to retrieve some of Brianna’s belongings along with some of our own. We traveled there in May 2014 with Brianna, so this trip will hold many memories and even they are good. I just don’t think I’m ready for this journey, yet the Father has promised me He will be right there for me every moment.
I want something more to be released from this pain that is like a prison and the walls are all around me every moment of every day. I know for sure that my Heavenly Father wants something more from us and that is to love His only Son as much as He loved us to send Him to us. If you want something more in life then what you have and the things of this world are fading away, Someone is waiting for you longing for you to embrace His gift to you.
How thankful I am for the Father who has shown His grace to me during the most difficult time of my life. Thank you for letting me share my brokenness with you and until next time I pray you will want something more.