As I sit here I just can’t believe it has been more than two months since that dreadful day. So many thoughts are swirling through my mind and yet this is what the Holy Spirit has given me to share.
Rod and I at times just lay in bed in the morning or evening hours and just cry. In the morning I miss getting up with Brianna and starting my day with her and at night Rod and I miss our worship times together with her. We had such good times together and were planning on many more with her. Now we will have to wait until Jesus comes. How I long for the day where there will be no more separations from those we love.
I realized today that just like the spiritual body which is comprised of believers each having a function in order that the body will run properly, so our family body holds a special place for each member. Rod and I have been together thirty years and Brianna had her place in our family in order that it functioned properly. Just like a physical body when a part has been amputated quickly and abruptly, it takes years if not a lifetime to be able to adapt to the new circumstances. Brianna was taken abruptly and so now we struggle functioning properly. Our family unit has been drastically disrupted, not only in the way we carried on our lives, but emotionally we have been lent a severe blow. This not only has brought chaos to our family, but constant emotional pain, day-in day-out. At times the pain comes on us like a wave that is so overwhelming that we are thrown back and can’t imagine getting through the day. We no longer look for tomorrows, only for today and that is only minute by minute. The pain that goes through my body is immense, because I feel the loss of what made me who I was, a mother. I still can’t believe I was a mother for twenty years and my identity was taken in thirty minutes. So you can see the pain that the body is dealing with—ours runs very deep. It affects every part of my being, and functioning at times is very difficult.
So now what? Where is God? How do we get through this? How long will it hurt?
I do know that God is right in this circumstance with me. I remember that night I
came home after saying goodbye to Brianna, it was dark, cold and I felt lifeless.
Yet, I felt God saying to me, I totally know how you feel. I felt Him saying I had an
ONLY Son who died and I still hurt to know what He went through. So I will ONLY
get through this with Him walking through this with me and as I feel His presence
I am reminded that it will hurt until His Son comes to take us home.
I remember when I was 15 and my mother died of cancer, she was 49 years old,
I am now 49 and my daughter has passed away at age 19. During that time I was
angry at God and even turned from Him, yet that experience has made me the
person I am today. I couldn’t imagine leaving God now, because He is my only
source of comfort. He will never leave me, He will never forget Brianna, like others
will, but will walk this valley with me. He gave me a promise today:
“To grant [consolation and joy] to those who mourn in Zion—to give
them an ornament (a garland or diadem) of beauty instead of ashes,
the oil of joy instead of mourning, the garment [expressive] of praise
instead of a heavy, burdened, and failing spirit—that they may be called
oaks of righteousness [lofty, strong, and magnificent, distinguished for
uprightness, justice, and right standing with God], the planting of the
Lord, that He may be glorified." Isaiah 61:3 AMP
I am told that it will become bearable, yet I will never forget the pain that I have been thrown into. How can I forget someone who helped to make our family what it is? I don’t take what I have for granted anymore, good and bad. The things of this world mean nothing to me. I can only tell those who will face something similar to mine… hold on tight to the Father, because He REALLY does understand. If you can't hold on, He is already holding on to you. He really does understand.
Until Next time, thank you for sharing in my pain…